CHOICE Theory

Written by Roshini Rampersaud

Do you ever say to yourself, “Why is this happening to me?”  How about, “I’m so anxious, I have no idea what’s going to happen.”  Maybe even, “This is so frustrating!  How do I fix this?”

When I hear any version of these coming from my clients, I bust out my broken record and ask, “What is within your control, and what is not?”  It is a question I ask myself multiple times per day, and it also represents some of the foundational elements of my approach to therapy—Choice Theory—emphasis on “CHOICE.” 

According to the Glasser Institute for Choice Theory, “The practice of Choice Theory in your life involves a transformation in your mindset and behavior from external control psychology, the belief that your experiences and behaviors are determined by outside forces: luck,  circumstances, other people and external factors, to one of internal control psychology: the belief that you are responsible for your choices and their resulting consequences.”

Real life example…

This morning I woke up to notification e-mails that charges I had not made were debited to my account—the same account from which my mortgage is due in three days.  My initial reaction was one of panic, and then quickly after, anger and frustration.  I thought, “I’m a responsible person.  I pay my bills on time.  Why is this happening to me?”  ***External control alert!  External control alert!***  This situation was not happening TO ME.  It was happening.  Information was being given to me, and I was choosing to attach a negative thought response to it.  I was left with two choices—yes, CHOICES. 

Choice 1 (external control): I could continue on the path of thinking, “Poor me, I have no idea what is going to happen or how I’m going to fix this.”

Choice 2 (internal control): I could assess the information being given to me and figure out what is within my control, and what is not.

It was 6:17AM, and I decided to call the card’s customer service line (internal control).  A representative on the other side of the world informed me that the department that could help me would be getting in at 8AM EST (external control).  Again, I was left with two choices (there’s that word again).

Choice 1 (external control): Continue to fret, skip my fitness boot camp, and wallow in worry for the next 1 hour and 43 minutes until the department was available.

Choice 2 (internal control): Take a breath; remember that part of my Quality World (another aspect of Choice Theory) is my health and wellness, and that skipping my exercise would likely cause me to feel worse physically and emotionally; understand that the time needs to pass anyway, whether I wallow in worry or work out, and I don’t have control over time!

I chose the latter.  I got in a great workout.  I worked out all that stress, and I sweat out all those toxins.  I was able to call the appropriate department shortly after 8AM, and they started the process that would get the money back into my account within 1-2 business days. 

Is it the time-frame that I wanted?  No.  The time-frame I wanted was NOW (expectations).  Was it the time-frame I needed?  Yes.  The money will be back in time for the mortgage to be paid on time (acceptance and gratitude).  Was putting the money back in my account within my control?  No.  There is a specific part of the bank that handles such claims (external control).  Was making  the initial inquiries in a timely manner to get the process started within my control?  Yes, which is precisely what I did (internal control).

So how do I get help?

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