Domestic and Intimate Partner Violence

Domestic and Intimate Partner Violence

Written by Roshini Rampersaud

On Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence

Domestic Violence (DV) and Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is just that—domestic; intimate.  It’s not abuse that happens by a random stranger.  DV and IPV occur at the hands of someone who is close to you; someone who has access to you;  someone, who at one point or another, had your trust.  This very fact is what makes it so rampant and terrifying.  On the contrary, it’s this very fact that could also make so preventable—if awareness is instilled. 

The poem below is one of the most impactful pieces of writing I have come across that depicts what happens when there is a lack of awareness about this evil, but all too common, dynamic.

I Got Flowers Today

I got flowers today!

It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!

It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and then started choking me.
It seemed unreal, a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares;
And I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over — but I know he is sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!

And it wasn’t Valentine’s Day or any other special day.
Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
Make-up and long sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time;
I couldn’t go to work today because I didn’t want anyone to know — but I know he’s sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!

And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day.
Last night he beat me up again, and it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today…

Today was a very special day – it was the day of my funeral.
Last night he finally killed me;
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers…today.

By Paulette Kelly

Experience

If I could pinpoint one lived experience to be the single most motivating factor for me to become a therapist, it would undoubtedly be my experience as a battered woman.  Ugh!  That term alone makes me nauseous.  It was really difficult for me to self-identify as such; battered; a victim—but that was what I had become.  I had fallen prey to a monster who shared the other half of my bed, and I didn’t even realize it until it was too late.  I am a smart woman, but it has nothing to do with intelligence.  You see, he did it systematically.  It didn’t start off right away with closed-fist blows to my head or his knees in my throat.  He didn’t go straight to pulling a gun on me or threatening me with a knife or pulling my e-brake while I was driving.  It started off with words.  He spoke to me in a particular way, choosing his words methodically and deliberately to break me down mentally and emotionally.  We had extremely high highs, and excruciatingly low lows.  Maybe he had practice doing it to other women.  Maybe he experienced this same kind of treatment from his parents.  I could think of dozens of reasons to explain his behavior, but I won’t—because it doesn’t matter.  No matter what, domestic violence is unacceptable!

Many times, when people hear “domestic violence,” the thought of physical violence enters their mind.  While this is certainly a type of domestic violence, it is not the only kind.  Domestic violence can include physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and intimidation (including gaslighting), isolation, verbal abuse (coercion, threats, and blame), economic/financial abuse, reproductive coercion, digital abuse, and stalking.  These types of violence can show up in many forms. 

  • Does this person do something, then deny it, and then proclaim that you’re crazy for believing it happened?  This is an example of gaslighting.

  • Does this person accuse you of doing something that you aren’t doing, but it’s actually something that they themselves are doing?  This is an example of projection.

  • Is this person amazing at promising all the wonderful things this life has to offer, but then creates a living nightmare for you instead?

  • Is this person a chronic liar and expert manipulator?

  • Does this person use guilt, charm, hope, love, obligation, fear, or confusion to get their way?

  • Does this person often agitate, provoke, or argue with you purposefully, and then pretend to not know why you are so upset when you react?

  • Does this person seem to have two very distinct personalities, like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scenario?

  • Does this person have a lack of sincere remorse or seemingly no empathy for their actions?

  • Does this person call you names, belittle you, give you the silent treatment, or try to purposefully embarrass you?

 

If any, some, or all of these ring true to you, it is very likely that you are in an abusive relationship.  Contrary to popular belief, domestic violence is not caused by alcohol or substance use or anger issues.  While these factors may certainly exacerbate the effects of the abuse, domestic violence is about power and control.

Awareness

Lack of awareness, as an individual and as a society, is what enables this abuse to plague generation after generation.  It is my personal goal and professional mission to continue to raise awareness about Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence in efforts to live in a world in which we prevent the abuse rather than react to it.  I hope you join me on my journey as a living, thriving example.

Positive thoughts and energy, always.
Roshi Rampersaud, LMHC, NCC