Expectation versus Acceptance
Written by: Jennifer Adair
High expectations
I was raised with high expectations – those set for me by my parents, my school, and by most of the other adults around me. I was taught to set high expectations for myself – to set goals and strive toward them, to never settle, to never let myself down by not doing my best. I didn’t see a problem with this, and I still don’t necessarily.
Self-motivation and achievement can be great. Doing well academically or athletically can be great. Succeeding in your career can be great. Expectations, in theory, can be great. They clarify what it is that we need to do in order to achieve, to succeed, to win, to improve, and even to potentially keep us from setting for less than we feel we deserve.
I distinctly recall sitting in a group supervision early on in my career when a trusted colleague of mine responded to a fellow clinician’s frustration with a client with the following: “Classic case of expectation versus acceptance”. Internally, I started to roll my eyes, become defensive, and fume.
My snarky self thought, “What, this client is just supposed to accept that her partner doesn’t meet her expectations and just suck it up? Say nothing? And how it this supposed to lead to an improvement in her frustration level? How does this not only build resentment?”
I kept struggling with my colleague’s insistence that if this client hadn’t had that specific expectation of her partner then she would be happy. This went against everything I had been taught my entire life.
After I got over my defensive reaction, I did some serious thinking. I realized that expectations are beliefs that someone “should” behave in a certain way; that something “should” happen or be achieved. Expectations are assumptions.
Wait – what!
Everyone knows what they say about assumptions!
Acceptance on the other hand involves tolerance, endurance, giving and taking. Hmm, those sounded like things I believed in. I challenged my rigid defensive thinking and came to some conclusions. You don’t have to abandon self-directed goal setting and motivation to achieve.
You don’t have to abandon deal breakers and tolerate negative treatment. It’s okay to have bottom lines and to recognize your worth. Sometimes there are criteria against which you are measured – at work, on a team or in a competition, in school, lots of places. We either accept this and choose to participate, or we don’t. It’s our choice; not always an easy one or one we feel like we want to make, but regardless, it is our choice.
Nowhere does the concept of expectation versus acceptance apply more than in relationships. It is here, in my work with couples and individuals struggling with feelings of hurt, frustration, resentment, sadness, abandonment, and anger where I can be heard stating “expectation versus acceptance” with confidence. I’ve spent years helping clients in my practice recognize that, while they are allowed to have expectations, they will benefit from challenging said expectations.
Are they reasonable?
Rooted in reality?
Mere judgments?
Often times, one person in the relationship feels as though another hasn’t met their expectation. This leads to a host of negative emotions, most notably, disappointment in the other person. It doesn’t take long for this to fester and for conflict to ensure.
Story time!
I’ll give you a personal example. I like an organized closet. It drives me nuts that my husband could care less if his pants are next to a dress shirt or if a pair of jeans is in a drawer with an undershirt.
After years of getting annoyed by this and nagging him to “do it right”, I chose to accept this in my husband even though my expectation (e.g. judgment) is that his closet should be organized. Why? Because after challenging my expectation, I realized that it is my belief that something should be a certain way, not his. And, to me, it isn’t that important; definitely not a deal breaker.
My husband accepts my preference for organization, and is fine with me rearranging his closet every few months so that it looks more organized. While it is not a big deal to him, (even likely had an expectation that it not bother me – which he’s since tossed and gained acceptance around), he knows I appreciate it, and he is happy to give me the freedom to do it.
We’ve found a compromise.
I get to organize his closet, be happy that it looks neat, and choose to not be resentful that I “have to” – because I don’t! It’s my choice. And he accepts my behavior knowing I’m happy and no longer nagging him to organize his clothes or resentful that it’s messy. I also hold no expectations around him maintaining my level of organization for any length of time.
This is key!
Communication
One of my favorite questions to a client struggling with this concept is, “Did you communicate your expectation to your partner?”. This is often met with a “no – they should’ve just known, it’s common sense!” (I’m not going to lie here – this is one that I am guilty of on occasion, too!) or with a “yes – and they just didn’t care!”. Imagine how different you might feel if you verbalized your need to your partner, not your judgment or your “should”, but your need. Imagine then that he or she acted in a way that met that need. Positive feelings abound! Imagine this from another perspective…what if you verbalized your need and your partner didn’t meet it.
Disappointment is likely to follow. Where acceptance is crucial is by asking yourself, was this need something within my partner’s ability to meet?
Was it reasonable?
Was my request something that is in line with his or her skill set?
Personality?
Willingness?
Often we forget to make allowances for our partner’s different personality and way of approaching things. By accepting these differences, by enduring, by giving and taking, by communicating using “out loud words” we can often find compromise – one of the cornerstones of any solid relationship.
By accepting them for who they are we avoid unnecessary disappointment and feelings of being repeatedly let down. And sometimes, accepting means having to acknowledge that our partner is unable or unwilling to meet our basic expectations i.e. for safety, respect, equality; and we decide that by remaining in the relationship, we are compromising ourselves.
Acceptance doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be treated in a way that is intolerable, unsafe, or in contradiction to your core values. It simply means recognizing that something or someone didn’t meet your expectations and after challenging those expectations to take out the judgment and “shoulds.”
You either choose to accept your partner for who they are and adjust accordingly, or accept that the relationship is no longer a place you want to be because you accept that your partner is who he or she is.
That is not going to change, and the right thing for you to do is leave.
Expectation versus acceptance doesn’t mean settling for nothing
Once I realized that expectation versus acceptance doesn’t mean settling for nothing or viewing the world from a dismal depressing perspective. Nor does it mean that you’re required to accept anything and everything in a relationship in order to avoid disappointment and find happiness, (in fact, I’d highly discourage that!), I was able to get behind it fully.
It’s good to have goals.
It’s good to not settle.
It’s good to know your worth and your deal breakers.
And it’s good It’s good to check yourself.
It’s good to have tolerance and understanding for those we love and those with whom we choose to be in relationships.
It’s good to communicate and compromise, too… but those are topics for another day.
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